Have you ever thought you wanted a driver?

We have had a string of drivers since being here, and now that we are about to leave, I think have finally figured out the problem and what we should have done months ago. Phil's company provides the car and driver for us. They just hire a car through a local company. Most expats, and many Indians have drivers. It's kind of expected if you're a foreigner. Not exactly sure why, except that driving here is crazy. Anyway, here's the summary of our last year:

Driver #1: No English. None. Very confusing trip from the airport to our hotel on arrival.

Jag Ram: Drove us for three days, then said he'd have to take a couple of weeks off since his chest was hurting and his doctor told him to rest. Um. Okay. Never heard from him again, we still ask each other from time to time what the chances are he had a heart attack.


The Burper: This guy burped all the time. Then he'd wave his hand in front of his mouth and waft it away. We asked for a new driver.

Rajesh: What a talker. This guy just didn't quit talking, but he was friendly, knew his way around. We were happy. His fatal mistake? He mentioned that we should just ask for a bigger car, since we didn't fit (with him) in the compact car we had. So we did; and Phil's company found a different vendor who would supply a minivan type for the same price. So good-bye responsible car company and goodbye Rajesh.

Mukesh: Polite, kind, knew his way around, was great with the boys, good English. We were in heaven. He wasn't. The car company was paying him about 60% of what he was worth, when they were paying him at all. He told us he had an emergency in his village and would be gone for a few days. That translates to "I'm quiting," I now know. Turns out he got another job. Good for him.

Mukesh replacement: Zero English. Didn't know his way around the city. Drove the complete opposite direction for S's play date that morning, but I couldn't tell him. Remember? Zero English. Didn't even last the whole day.

Uday: Ran away with his girlfriend one night. On the way out of town he stole the car owners cell phone. All after dropping us off at home. At least that's what we heard.

Harish: Caught him smoking pot with the neighbor's guards when I walked out to go pick S up from school one day.

Raj: Baby faced guy who was just dumb, really no kind way to put it. Had trouble getting back to point A, even when it was only 1km from point B, and you'd driven it an hour before.

Ram: This one was decent, he just rubbed me the wrong way. Obsequious, which considering that many in India still use "servant" to describe their driver, maybe that's how a driver is supposed to be, but I couldn't take it. Plus Phil thought he smelled bad. He lasted the longest, partly because I was gone for six weeks over the summer.

Preetam: Ram lined him up before he left (making sure to take a cut of his first two weeks wages), so I was suspicious, but it's worked out well. Except for the car company, who once again weren't paying him what or when they'd agreed to, and tried to fire him when he asked them to pay him. So, after huge confrontations with the car company, we switched back to the first one (which is what we should have done months ago). But they won't hire Preetam because he doesn't have a commercial license, which in India takes as long to get as we have left here. Ugh.

Driver #12: Supposedly a fill in for a few days until Preetam could start driving. Smoker. How long do you think he'll last?